I dont love you

today was weird, i really should get out of bed on time, but i have no idea whats keeping me in bed. i missed german class again, i should feel bad, but i dont... i feel bad that i dont feel bad.

after going to set up an appointment with krug for wednesday morning, i ran into carton... he ambushed me. i wanted to tell him several things, but all i could get out was that i didnt have time to do the stuff required and wouldnt be able to finish it and decided not to finish it. 

i dont know if its been all of these things that have occurred in my life this past year and some deeper issue as a result of those things, but i find myself becoming more selfish and apathetic everyday. it really is becomming harder and harder for me to care about other people in a deep and meaningful way. i try because i should care about people, and i cant expect people who are capable of caring about other people to care about me if i dont attempt to give a damn. but deep down i dont, and i dont know if i should feel bad about it, but thats the way i really feel. to sum it up:

i feel bad that i dont care about not caring.

maybe, after all thats happened this past year, maybe i should be a little selfish. Bad things happened to me and i went out of my way often (and still do) went out of my way to help people. 

recently its been feeling like i have been shat on by all of my friends (maybe like 80%) i could call people out on here, but i dont want to pull an Emmy and be like that. maybe thats a source of my apathy.  right at this moment im getting upset about all the people im "angry" about especially the feud..... im upset at him for fucking everything up and forcing a massive unwanted change.

i miss kag

good night